This post may contain affiliate links. I may get paid a small commission whenever you purchase items through my link, with no added costs to you. I only recommend products/services I know and love.
Hello, friends! I am so excited for this post. I am going to dive in and explain where the “strong-willed” part of my blog name comes from 🙂 As you may have guessed, I am a parent to one of those strong-willed kids myself!!
My oldest daughter, Aubree, is 5 years old. She started kindergarten this past August and I’ve found myself looking back at how much she has grown over the years and how much we have grown together. She has made me a better version of myself than I ever thought possible, and this is largely due to the fact that she has challenged me in so many ways!
I never realized how challenging strong-willed kids were until I had one myself.
She is one of those kids that you read about. She is loud, stubborn, and independent. She is a go-getter and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She has been sassy from the get-go. She has tested me both privately and publicly. She likes to push and push and push until she either gets what she wants or gets a reaction out of me. She laughs when I challenge her. Her bold personality traits make her the little girl I love, however I’d be lying if I said she was easy to parent. Truthfully, I have had to learn so much when it comes to her raisin’! Traditional parenting doesn’t work for her and I’ve come to accept that. I have to approach her differently than I originally thought and that’s okay.
According to the adults in our lives, my husband and I were also strong-willed kids. So, if history repeats itself, my girl will get one of her own one day (hehehe).
I have found that there are soooo many strong-willed, fierce, fire tongued kids these days! God must be putting these kids out in the world for His glory and I can’t wait to see what he does with them. However, us momma’s have to get them through childhood first!!
My youngest is 8 months and she’s already starting to display some of the same behaviors Aubree did. Lord help me. If she turns out to be another strong-willed child, I think we’ll for sure stop at 2. Just kidding (maybe?)
I’m not one to tell parents how to raise their children so please do not take it this way. If you are reading this though, I have to assume that you are in this boat with me and I would love to give you some tips that I have learned along the way.
7 things I’ve learned while raising my strong-willed kid:
1. Pick your battles wisely
Often times, these fierce kiddos will have to see things through themselves. You can tell them over and over again what the outcome is going to be, but they will not believe you. You can ask them to do something and some times they will just flat out refuse. Guide them, give advice, and stand your ground when needed. But also know when to take a step back and just let them be. Not everything needs to be a power struggle or a hard fought battle, especially the simple things.
For instance, I remember so vividly probably the most over exaggerated, unnecessary battle we have ever had. One afternoon, I had cooked mushrooms. I wanted so badly for this child to just take ONE BITE of this mushroom and she was straight up not having it. I pushed and pushed and eventually yelled and long story short, we were both mad as can be and she was crying in her bedroom in the end. I look back on that and think: why did I escalate that wayyy more than I needed to? For crying out loud it was just a mushroom! Thankfully she was about 3 at the time and probably will not remember but I unfortunately will not forget.
2. Say yes when you can.
Chances are your kid hears the word “No.” A lot. This is something that you just can’t get around in parenting. Honestly, we probably say no a whole lot more than we say yes. My child is always the one to ask me the most ridiculous (to me) things like “Mom, can I wear my princess outfit to Huddle House?” Or “Mom, can I ride my bike on the trampoline?” Yes, she really asked me this. It’s so easy to just say no and move on. But to them, it’s more than that. They just want to have fun and be happy. Much like us! If they are constantly hearing the word “NO” over and over again over the smallest things, they are essentially being taught that they cannot have any control over their own lives. It is so easy to break that lively spirit with repeated no’s. If I was constantly being told I couldn’t do something that made perfect sense to me, I think it would put a real damper on my happiness too. So try to say yes to things that are not detrimental to their mind and body (of course) but good for you as well.
I said “yes” to the princess dress and “no” to the bike on the trampoline. We got some judgmental stares at the huddle house but neither of us cared.
3. Choices are your friend
I have friends who have strong-willed kids and one thing we can all agree on is they are sooo stubborn. They like things their way and they do not like to bend. This can be a great thing and the most annoying thing at the same time. One of the hardest fought repeated battles that I have had with Aubree is over her outfits. She loves to dress a certain way which (as a child) is often mix matched and gaudy as can be. After many tears and times being late getting out the house, I finally compromised and started letting her pick her own outfits. There is a catch to this though. I pick 2 outfits, and she gets to chose between the two which one she wants to wear. I’ll then let her chose accessories or her hairstyle if she wants it a certain way.
I also do this with books at bedtime, toothpaste, and things at the grocery store. I try to always give her options so she feels like SHE is ultimately making the decision. However, the options she gets are totally up to me or dad. This way, she feels like she is in control of the outcome but mom and dad are still behind the scenes. This has saved us so much time, energy, and sanity.
4. Always follow through.
When you say you are going to do something, always do it. The one thing I learned early on is that my child needs consistency. This is often essential whether they are strong-willed kid or not, but more so when they are. This is because these kids often need more stability. They like to know exactly what to expect and if for some reason things do not go as planned- chaos ensues. You obviously cannot predict the future, but always try to give them a little heads up whenever plans change. They love transparency and love to be prepared.
Stay away from “we might do ____” or “maybe.” Direct and to the point goes further with these strong-willed kids.
5. Set firm boundaries with clear expectations.
I realized about a year ago that I was teaching her contradictory things within a matter of moments apart.
I would often times put Aubree in time out, then after about 2 minutes I would feel guilty and take her out and love on her. Then she would go right back and do the same thing. Just as this child was doing!
Do not get me wrong, you should absolutely show your child that they are loved. However, do not let it overshadow your decisions as a parent and the consequences to their actions.
Now, I find myself saying “Aubree, if you do that again, you are grounded from your tablet for the rest of the day.” And then, when she does (because that’s what they do), I follow through. I don’t give it back to her halfway through the day. When I first started doing this, she would throw the biggest fit you could possibly imagine. Once she finally calmed down, I would set her down and say “Aubree, I told you not to and you did anyway. I also told you I would take your tablet and you did not listen. This is why you are being punished.” Once some time had passed, I would revisit the situation and remind her that I loved her. Now that she is getting older and more aware of her reactions and KNOWS she will be punished, I actually have to punish her far less than I used to.
All of this sounds simple, but believe me when I say I know it is not. Strong willed kids are very set in their ways from the beginning and they do not like to be told no or that something is wrong. This makes punishing them in an effective way so much harder. You wish they would just give in and say “yes mom,” but we know these strong-willed kids rarely back down from what they think is right.
This brings me to my next point.
6. Always make sure they know who is boss. BE CONFIDENT!
Whether they like it or not, you are in control. We can chose our battles, give them choices, meet them half-way, and accommodate as much as we feel necessary. However, always make sure at the end of the day that they know to listen to you. They must follow your rules. Reiterate that you know what is best for them and that is what goes. These kids smile at an opportunity to show you who’s boss- make sure they know it is you! Although we have to make adjustments to fit what they need, we do not let them mistake compromise for being submissive.
7. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for how you parent these kids.
Yes, all kids are different. Yes, all kids need some of the same things. But I feel like people truly do not understand how hard it is to raise a strong willed child if they have not raised one themselves. I have tried to talk to people about my struggles and I would often get met with “Yes, kids sure are hard.” Or “Well I did this and mine were fine.”
I have had people judge me as I let her temporary dye her hair pink and while she threw a fit on the store floor. I’ve been told that I’m being too strict and that I’m letting my child run the show. I’ve had to jump in and parent a certain way that my family and friends don’t agree with. I’ve had to tell people to back off my kid and to back off of me. I’ve had to defend my parenting decisions.
I’m here to tell you sister- you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. No-one knows what works best for your child. Only you. So keep doing you mama, I just hope these few tips I’ve shared with you today help lighten your load.
This post may contain affiliate links. I may get paid a small commission whenever you purchase items through my link, with no added costs to you. I only recommend products/services I know and love.
Now, I did not come to all this by myself. I’ve had to have some help along the way. The resources that I’ve utilized are all prime eligible!
1. The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson (for you)
I purchased this faith based book for myself around Christmas of last year. I was truly at my wits end with Aubree’s behavior and I didn’t know where else to turn. Reluctantly, I did a search like “how to deal with hard kids” and this book popped up. It is so helpful, insightful, and encouraging. It includes testimonials from fellow struggling parents, factual information and research, motivation, effective punishment, and all kinds of strategies. It truly gave me new perspective and renewed hope. I’m sure it will do the same for you! You can find it here:
You can find the workbook that goes with this book here as well:
PS- they are on sale 🙂
2. Positive Behavior Activities for Kids- Stacey Spensley (for your kiddo)
Mannnn, this book is chalked full of exercises and fun activities for kids. Great for kids ages 4-8! This is a perfect age group because I reaaallly started to struggle with Aubree around age 3-4. The terrible two’s were nothing compared to age 4. Anyways, kids tend to take in more information and learn effectively when you try to make it fun, and this book does just that! Moreover, the content STICKS. Snag it here:
PS- also on sale 🙂
3. The Best Journal Ever (for your sanity)
I will always swear by journaling. It is so easy to feel all kinds of emotions when trying to raise good humans. As we pour into these strong-willed kids, we have to remember to pour into ourselves too. Whenever I find myself getting anxious, overwhelmed, and depressed- I like to take a minute to focus back on myself. It is hard to effectively parent when we are carrying around negative feelings/thoughts. You can get this handy journal here:
That’s all I have for you for now friends. Please reach out if you have any concerns, questions, or just need someone to vent to. Also, let me know your tips for raising your wild child! I would love to hear from you.
check out my prior post: Loving an Addict https://strongwilledandspiritfilled.blog/?p=199
These are so helpful! I am a mother of a strong willed child as well and it is not a task for the weak that’s for sure!