The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been something that I have always struggled with. This is the one thing about myself that I dislike the most. I’ll be the first to admit that I have hurt people. I’ve also been hurt myself. I’ve found that its hard for me to forgive others and even harder for me to forgive myself. But the hardest thing for me to forgive is whenever it concerns the people I love and care about. 

Even from a young age, I remember holding silly grudges with people over the smallest things. I don’t know why I’ve struggled so much with this. Maybe I take things to heart more than I should? Maybe its just a personality trait? Or maybe I don’t think I’m worthy of forgiveness myself? 

There are two things that I find myself praying for almost daily and that is the ability to forgive and patience. God is still working with me on both but I am happy to report that I am slowly starting to move past things that I should have years ago. 

However, this hasn’t came easily. As Christians we know that often times when we pray for something, especially the hard topics, God likes to throw us some situations for practice. I personally thinks he does this for several reasons; like to see if we are serious, to test our faith, and to give us references to look back on in the future. I honestly didn’t realize just how much unforgiveness impacted my life on a spiritual and emotional level until I was faced with a situation I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to let go. 

A few months ago I was hurt. It wasn’t a physical type of hurt, it was an emotional hurt. Honestly, I think a throat punch would’ve hurt less than the type of pain I’m trying to describe. The worst part is this particular event didn’t just affect me, it affected my kids too. 

I let it consume me for awhile. Every minute I wasn’t focused on a certain task, my mind would fixate on this particular event. Words and actions would replay over again in my head. I would sit and stew and get mad all over again.  I told myself that I needed to just get over it. I truly tried to “just let it go.” I wanted to push it out of my mind. 

It took me awhile to finally pray for this person. But when I did, all the little cracks in my soul started to fill up again. It didn’t happen through one single prayer. It happened through several weeks of prayer, a powerful church service, conviction, and a word from God. 

I remember standing in church not wanting to worship because I knew what was coming. I knew what God wanted me to do and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to speak to this person. I remember shouting at God “Why do I have to be the one to take initiative?! Why do I have to be the one to reach out first?! I’m hurt!! I DON’T WANT TO GOD!”

My 24 year old self had the audacity to yell at him like my 5 year old does me when she doesn’t want to clean her room. 

I hesitated and I resisted. 

Then finally I thought: What if God felt this way about me? What if God looked down on me and thought “Oh, she messed up yet again. Don’t think I can forgive her this time.”

“Oh, you’re sorry? Well your sin is too great. Sorry doesn’t cut it.”

“You’re maxed out.”

How many times has God weeped on the throne at the decisions we have made, and then mercifully forgiven us as we confessed our sins?

I did reach out and do what He had put in me to do. And man, does my soul feel better! My heart isn’t perfectly mended but I KNOW it will be. 

I’m still praying. I’m still healing. I’m learning to love like Jesus. However, I don’t have to worry about if God is going to be able to forgive me because I’m able to forgive others. 

I know my oldest will look back and know that even though I was hurting, I still tried. Even though this person acted a certain way, it doesn’t mean I have to. And even though this person is hurting too, it won’t be because of me any longer. I want my kids to strive to do better, show up for others, give love, and FORGIVE. How can I expect them to do these things if I can’t? 

Furthermore, I’m able to grow in my relationship with Christ. I refuse to let ugly grudges take up room in my heart that is supposed to be filled with the Spirit.

Today I feel so incredibly blessed to serve a God that never gives up on us, shows us unwavering love, and is so ready and willing to forgive. 

If you are struggling with forgiveness, I challenge you to forgive someone (or start to forgive someone) this week! You do not need to carry that weight anymore, friend. Do not let that person(s), situation, or event have any power over you! Do not let that grudge rob you of your happiness! You have so much love to give. 

I have found that forgiving people you REALLLY don’t want to forgive and forgiving people that aren’t sorry are the hardest, but most rewarding. You will feel better, your soul will feel better, the other person(s) will feel better, and our Savior will be so incredibly proud of you. You can do it!

“You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.” Psalm 86:5